Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
