My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
