I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
