But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
