I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Randomize
