even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
