Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
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