I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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