My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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