someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
