ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
