The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
me + whiskey = a bad person
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Randomize
