3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
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