ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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