Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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