I think my fart just growled at me.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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