It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
