Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
