I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
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