I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
