I met the friendliest cop last night
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
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