i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Come share oat with me in your robe
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
