Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Randomize
