If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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