Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Randomize
