The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
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