Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
