i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
