just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
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