i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
