dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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