Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
