When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Randomize
