Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Randomize
