hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
