She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
