Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
