saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Randomize
