theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
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I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
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