Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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