she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Randomize
