I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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