I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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