I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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