After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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