New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
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