Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Randomize
