If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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