I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
