where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
