Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
