the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
