i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
