??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
My dick has a subreddit
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
